Twisted Visage

Likes and Dislikes

2009-11-13T09:31:00.003-05:00

Likes

My beautiful baby girl
Fall weather
Being in love
My large family
The strength and independence that women are developing nowadays
Spirituality instead of religion
Falling asleep in front of the TV

Dislikes

Trashy behavior
Struggling to lose pregnancy weight
Naïveté
Bare feet on a cold kitchen floor
Colic
Chit'lins
Ignorant people who don't attempt to better themselves

Our Brand New Arrival

2009-09-25T01:23:00.005-05:00

Early Monday morning, I was feeling incredibly dizzy and getting progressively sicker and sicker. I finally got up and went to the ER. They took my blood pressure and it was dangerously high, besides the fact that our little girl was not moving. We freaked out. I was admitted to the hospital that night and I didn't sleep a wink. We had a visit from my OB around noon and he told me that they would be taking Isabel by emergency cesarean at 5 PM. I was speechless/horrified/petrified. We called the family members that could be there and decided to notify the rest when I was able to handle it.

After I freaked out and slept for a while, it was time. They wheeled me back and administered the epidural. Anyone who knows me knows I don't react well to any kind of anesthesia. They had to completely knock me out because I could feel every slice into me otherwise. It was horrible.

So after all of this, we have our beautiful baby girl. Isabel was born on Monday at 6:28 PM at 2 lbs. 10 ounces with no health problems. She will be in NICU for a long time to gain weight and get completely stable. We are praying for her to come home soon.

10 Things to 10 People

2009-08-15T23:12:00.003-05:00

This week has been one of the most trying of my entire life. We are scraping and keeping it together, but it's difficult! Anyway, I got this writing prompt idea from MamaKat and it may help me to get some of this frustration out.

The point of this is to get some things off my chest that I really don't feel like stirring up mess by actually saying anything. Don't assume that this is about you or you know who it is about, simply because you'll probably be wrong. :)

1.) What happened? It seems as if the people that have made a promise to me since birth/early childhood have abandoned me. If you were going to do that, you should have done it earlier on. It's causing me more problems now because I don't know how to cope with it as an adult.

2.) I love you, but you have been getting on my nerves lately. I am grown, have my own life, my own household, and a child on the way. Are you seriously still trying to scold me? Nothing I do is affecting you in any way, shape, or form so please just back off a bit.

3.) Why are you even still in my life? You serve no purpose other than being a weight around my neck. Go away.

4.) Thank you! You are amazing and have done everything right and I appreciate you.

5.) What is your malfunction? The passive-aggressive crap has got to go. We are relatives, but I'm sick of your bull. If you aren't going to come to family events or act like any of us know each other, keep my parents' names, siblings' names, and my name out of your mouth!

6.) You were a fantastic friend at one point. You are now a self-centered prick. Go away until you get some sense and realize who has been there for you through all your difficulties.

7.) I love you and will always be there for you, but GET OUT OF YOUR TOXIC SITUATION! That relationship is not good for you or your son. Please stop blocking us out and take us up on our offer to help you.

8.) How difficult is it for you to put on a condom? A bunch of kids by a bunch of different women and you're not even 25 yet? Funny how not a single one of these women has a lick of sense. Birds that flock together, I guess...

9.) Back up. You don't know me and have no idea who I am. My advice to you is to just back up and shut your mouth before something bad happens to you.

10.) Why is my life so interesting to you? Yours isn't interesting at all to me. You hadn't even crossed my mind in months until someone said you were asking a bunch of questions about me and mine. Go be a self-obsessed douche somewhere else.

Are You F-ing Serious?!?

2009-07-30T12:29:00.008-05:00

Disclaimer: I know I've been on a rant since I've been back, but I need to vent. Please forgive me. :)

There have been several times that I have ridden past the Planned Parenthood office since I've been home visiting Kalamazoo. Every time I've ridden past, the anti-choice protesters were out (I call them anti-choice because calling them pro-life seems to validate their way of thought). The other day I actually witnessed them accosting a young woman who was walking into the office. How can you physically accost and harass a young woman who is having to make an extremely difficult and personal decision and call yourself a man or woman of God? How is that divine or holy?

It is unbelievable that these women have to walk a gauntlet of about 60 people just to get into the office. The whole walk to the door, people are stepping out of line to get in front of the woman and attempt to physically bar her entry. They are shouting Bible verses, calling her a murderer/slut/whore, and other equally distressing things. They then show the women extremely distressing photos of fetuses as well as lie about how an abortion is conducted. One man said something along the lines of the doctors yank the baby out and cut the back of its neck open and basically behead the child. How is this Christ-like?!? How is it like Christ or even close to any of His teachings that you are to harass, accost, horrify, and cause pain to another human being? A few of the protesters even compared the Plan B pill to partial birth abortion. Seriously? READ A FREAKING BOOK! Those things are completely different.

I get so angry about this because the anti-choice protesters seem to not get that a child is a person and requires care for the rest of their lives. They seem to stop caring about what happens to the child once it is born. They don't care that the child cannot be well taken care of, is abused/mistreated, is molested, or even murdered later in life. According to them, it's in God's hands from there. You can't really be serious.

I don't think it's anyone else's business why a young lady or a couple decide to terminate a pregnancy. How do they know that the woman hasn't been raped or a victim of incest? How would they feel about having to raise the product of an assault? If the couple cannot financially take care of a child, will the protesters pay for all the expenses and actual care of the child? Yes, I know adoption is an option, but delivery of a child alone is upwards of 30 grand, not to mention actual prenatal care. Do you have that just lying around your house? I know I don't.

It just makes me so angry that these people call themselves ministers of God and take advantage of and assault women who are going through an painfully difficult decision. It is none of their business that a woman decided to terminate a pregnancy. They need to really just shut up and stop trying to regulate someone else's body based on THEIR religious beliefs. Newsflash guys: NOT EVERYONE IS A CHRISTIAN! Free speech is one thing, assault is another.

My point is: If you want to minister to these women, then go ahead and do so but not there. When you are physically and emotionally assaulting them, that is something completely different. You are the people giving Christianity a bad name.

EverySaturdayMorning-this blog is run by a person who is a Planned Parenthood escort. It is unfortunate that patients need to be protected from these protesters. It is sad that escorts are even necessary. Within that link, you will see the gauntlet I described as well as videos that show these protesters verbally and physically attacking these women and the escorts. It's disgusting!

F&*%ing Ridiculous!

2009-07-07T10:35:00.004-05:00

So, I'm not sure if it's just my hormones, but people are getting on my damn NERVES this week. No one does what they are asked to when I ask them and then when they want someone to do something, here they come to me. Well bump that. Unless you are Honey, family, or a select few of my friends...DON'T ASK ME FOR S%#T. So for this week (which is sad since it's only freakin' Tuesday), these are the things that have irritated the hell out of me:

1. Passive aggressive notes-No..not the website. Ones that are either attached to my window or my car. WTF? How difficult would it be to knock on the door or come get me since I was sitting outside about 6 feet from the damn car.

2. Ungrateful people-If you aren't going to appreciate what I did, then don't ask me for a damn thing ever again. I work hard and I deserve some peace of mind and a break. Don't come to me when I am having said break and ask me to do shit for you.

3. People that don't know what the hell the word BEDREST means-I was put on complete bedrest by the best OB in the region. Are you seriously asking me to put my child's life in jeopardy to do some household crap for you? B*TCH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? Your ass will NEVER be as important as this baby so f*ck off.

4. Belly-touchers- I don't know you, get the hell out of my personal space. I'm showing, but not THAT much that I've lost the feeling in my stomach area. Also, she's not even big enough for you to feel on the outside! I'm not a touchy-feely person, ask my significant other or my family members. If I don't know your ass, DON'T TOUCH ME!

5. People that tell me to smile or ask why I'm not talking about the baby 24/7- Seriously? Are you seriously telling me how to feel about my pregnancy? You are on some serious drugs if you honestly think that I give a flying F$%K whether you want to see my happy face. Go fall down some stairs and break a limb...I'll probably smile then.

6. People that try to talk politics just because I have an Obama magnet on my car- Don't come up to me in a parking lot and expect me to debate politics with your dumb ass. I'm more likely to cut you because I think you're going to try to assault me. I'm sorry but, he's our president...he won...GET OVER IT ALREADY! Don't come up to me trying to bad-mouth him when I'm clearly a supporter.

And I Stand Here Amazed...

2009-06-28T01:37:00.003-05:00

I know it's been a while, but I've been working on some things and got side tracked. I have still been working on my Master's degree and that's been going very well. Josh and I have a new addition on the way and we are ECSTATIC! After the loss last year, I was ready to go for it again. I am currently 21 weeks along and feeling amazing. We moved up and got a larger home which is a 4 bedroom and quite nice.

I am in such a state of elation about this baby...there isn't a way to compare it to anything else I've ever experienced. It's a beautiful thing to realize that you created another human being out of pure love and that this human being will have thoughts, tenacity, and personality all their own. The excitement is quite overwhelming.

Our families are incredibly excited, although obviously concerned. They are all praying for the best for our little family. It's incredible that one's life can change so much in a few short months.

Dear Life

2009-02-06T02:18:00.004-05:00

There have been so many changes to my life in the past 2 weeks...it's simply unbelievable. I stayed true to my word and began 2009 with a BANG! I'm off to a great start :)

I have moved out of Michigan, I'm now in Indiana.

Renting a 2 bedroom home.

Classes are going incredibly well.

I'm in an amazing and healthy relationship.

Started my dredlocs

Started my own YouTube channel (vids are to the right)

I've been cooking SO much. It's been crazy.

This is the first time in my life that I've actually enjoyed every single day. My pets are great, that's my puppy, Vashti at the top. She's adjusted very well. I'm just enjoying the whole picking up and moving to a whole new state. It's an amazing feeling of freedom that's hard to explain...knowing that I'm completely independent. Life is GREAT.

Fired Up Friday!

2009-01-30T21:10:00.004-05:00

LET'S GO STEELERS!!!!

and not just because I want to make little brown babies with Troy Polamalu :D

R.I.P.

2008-12-26T15:06:00.002-05:00

We have lost so many people this year...so many people that you would never have even though weren't well. The latest in this line of people is Eartha Kitt. This woman was one of the most beautiful and influential actresses in Hollywood for the past 60 years. She had one of the most easily recognized voices in the world.

From Associated Press:

NEW YORK (AP) — Eartha Kitt, a sultry singer, dancer and actress who rose from South Carolina cotton fields to become an international symbol of elegance and sensuality, has died, a family spokesman said. She was 81.

Andrew Freedman said Kitt, who was recently treated at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital, died Thursday in Connecticut of colon cancer.

Kitt, a self-proclaimed "sex kitten" famous for her catlike purr, was one of America's most versatile performers, winning two Emmys and nabbing a third nomination. She also was nominated for several Tonys and two Grammys.

Her career spanned six decades, from her start as a dancer with the famed Katherine Dunham troupe to cabarets and acting and singing on stage, in movies and on television. She persevered through an unhappy childhood as a mixed-race daughter of the South and made headlines in the 1960s for denouncing the Vietnam War during a visit to the White House.

Through the years, Kitt remained a picture of vitality and attracted fans less than half her age even as she neared 80.

Eartha Kitt was and always will be one of my favorite actresses. A couple clips of my favorite roles of hers are below. Enjoy:

Ooh Love

2008-12-12T00:02:00.003-05:00

His hand over mine across a table
Staying up all night just waiting for him to come home
The thrill I get deep inside when he comes through the door after work
His palms on my stomach as we lie together
This is love

Him being unafraid to tell me he needs me
The way I tingle when he calls me his wife
Beginning our family together
Both of us lying in bed just talking and laughing
Knowing he will be there through thick and thin
“Till the wheels fall off, baby”
Yes, honey...till the wheels fall off
That is love

For the first time in life…
I mean as much to someone as they mean to me
I have a true understanding
I know I am loved
I am someone’s heart and soul; and they are mine
"Girl, I love you from the longest hair on your head to your pointy little toe"
I giggled

For the first time in life…
I have real love

Why Nappy?

2008-11-08T19:05:00.005-05:00

I was at a friend's house when his younger sister asked me why I went natural. I have never had anyone ask me why before, because I figured they knew once they had a few conversations with me. Anyway, the short version of what I said was: "I don't feel that need to hold my hair to the standards of European beauty. My hair is kinky, coily, nappy, and absolutely gorgeous." She somehow found this offensive, replying with: "I hate that word, nappy. No one's hair is nappy." I responded that, "MY hair is nappy and I take pride in it because I do not fear my heritage like some black women". She got pissed off and threw her plate down and walked out.

I have since earned the moniker of, That Militant Bitch that *insert friend's name* Hangs Out With. YES! *smirk*

After this exchange, I kind of sat back and was thinking back to when I first decided to go natural. During the beginning of my freshman year of college, I played with the idea of going natural for a while. I did my research and read books about black hair textures while still relaxing just the front of my hair because I loved my swoopy bang thing. Finally, I made the decision that I was going to do it. I actually was going to stop relaxing my hair and let it grow naturally!

I transitioned for a year with various updos, braids, and twists in order to allow my hair to grow a fully natural 4 inches. Conveniently, around the time my hair reached this length was when a noose was found on my campus and we had a TON of pride rallies. Shortly before the first rally/meeting, I finally decided to cut the relaxed ends off and allow my fro to fly. When I finished doing my hair and was walking out the door, I had never felt more free and happy. I had never felt more BEAUTIFUL.

I was going through some struggles with my identity for a while there and my decision to go natural really reinforced who I am and where I come from. From then on, I've been on a journey to know my roots. I refuse to allow myself to be one of those people who doesn't care to know their background. I put the money together to get my DNA tested in order to find out what area of Africa my family comes from. The results came back that the majority of my DNA is based in West Africa and Central America (obviously). Apparently, my father's side is from Ghana which makes me unspeakably happy because the tattoo I was drawing used a lot of their symbols.

My hair is a big source of pride for me because it represents my development and cultivation of self. It was the first step of my journey to knowing myself and being able to become the woman I am supposed to be. I have never put as much work into anything as I do my hair on a weekly basis and that is pretty interesting to me. Overall, I'm nappy because it makes me happy, baby!

History...

2008-11-04T23:08:00.005-05:00

I am amazed that this happened in my lifetime. We have a BLACK PRESIDENT! I am in tears as I type this, I've never been so proud to be a black woman in my entire life. I've never been so proud to be an AMERICAN! I cannot believe that we have come this far as a country, as a people. I really don't think I've cried this hard in years. I'm so proud of my generation! IT WAS US, GUYS...THEY COULD NOT TAKE OUR VOICE.

Seriously?!?

2008-11-04T18:49:00.006-05:00

Is this actually happening? Are we really this close? I've never prayed as hard or as passionately as I have in the past few days. ARE WE REALLY MAKING PROGRESS AS A PEOPLE? I'm shocked. We're living in the days of Soulja Boy, the death of hip hop, and deadbeat dads and yet we are STILL only an inch away from putting a man of color into the White House.

As the time is winding down and polls are closing, I find myself freaking the eff out. What if the Repubs try to steal this election from us? What will happen? I was watching CNN and their reporters were already saying that there were issues with the machines being used in the "Rock the Vote" events. Excuse me for being paranoid, but they know that the majority of Barack Obama's votes will come from youth...so call that a malfunction if you want to, but we know the truth. They want to stop it from happening, they want to prevent our progress. We WILL NOT let them steal our voices again. McCain will not win this election!**

Honestly, I'm so incredibly frightened that Obama won't win and that the Repubs will find a way to squeak by using their shenanigans, which we ALL know they are extremely good at. I don't think it's a problem given the amount of people who voted for Obama today; it's more of a problem of history potentially repeating itself. We won't be letting them get away with it if they do. Let's just hope the country will be okay after tonight...let's just hope.

**because quite honestly, the thought of Sarah Palin anywhere near the White House scares the ever-loving shit out of me

Simply...Scared

2008-10-15T15:49:00.003-05:00

There are so many changes happening right now that I can't even put them all into words to put them down. Guys...I'm deeply scared of things that will happen, but I know I can never go back to where I was at any point in my life. I think this is what frightens me the most. As scared as I am, I'm excited at the same time. It's exciting to know that I'll never be the person I was at any point in my past again. It makes me happy to know that the woman I am now is of constant change and development. So much goes into making you who you are, every hardship and triumph is a stepping stone of equal value. The main thing that has been giving me peace is the thought of the woman I will be in the end...well...that and my favorite poem by Nikki Giovanni.

Ego Tripping (there may be a reason why)

I was born in the Congo.
I walked to the Fertile Crescent and built the sphinx.
I designed a pyramid so tough that a star
that only glows every one hundred years falls
into the center giving divine perfect light.

I am bad.

I sat on the throne
drinking nectar with Allah.
I got hot and sent an ice age to Europe
to cool my thirst.
My oldest daughter is Nefertiti.
The tears from my birth pains
created the Nile.

I am a beautiful woman.

I gazed on the forest and burned
out the Sahara desert.
With a packet of goat's meat
and a change of clothes,
I crossed it in two hours.
I am a gazelle so swift,
so swift you can't catch me.

For a birthday present when he was three,
I gave my son Hannibal an elephant.
He gave me Rome for mother's day.

My strength flows ever on.

My son Noah built an ark and
I stood proudly at the helm
as we sailed on a soft summer day.
I turned myself into myself and was Jesus.

Men intone my loving name.
All praises all praises,
I am the one who would save.

I sowed diamonds in my back yard.
My bowels deliver uranium.
The filings from my fingernails are
semi-precious jewels.

On a trip north,
I caught a cold and blew
my nose giving oil to the Arab world.
I am so hip even my errors are correct.
I sailed west to reach east and had to round off
the earth as I went.
The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid
across three continents.

I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal.
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission.
I mean...I...can fly
like a bird in the sky...

He Calls Me Beautiful

2008-09-24T03:03:00.010-05:00

They say a good man will always call you beautiful, not sexy. I've got someone who calls me beautiful and knows that I am hotter than masala curry and sweeter than honey straight from the hive. He revels in my flaws and reinforces my perfections. He wants to be my support when I am leaning like a shack in a hurricane, even when I refuse it. We didn't have the most auspicious of beginnings, but DAMN we've grown. I'm still surprised because he isn't what I expected and I don't think I'm what he did either.
Now, I know what a truly SIGNIFICANT other is. I love you.

I'd given up on love
But I gave up on the chance
That I'd ever fall
Head over heels (...)
There's somebody
Somebody who feels like me
There's Somebody
Somebody who loves like me
---Amerie "Just Like Me"

Questions of the Week

2008-09-20T16:26:00.003-05:00

1.) Why do so many of us fear being alone?

2.) Why do we sexualize certain body parts in American culture, when this isn't the intended purpose?

3.) Why are so many of us convinced that we have something wrong with us?

4.) When are blousy, maternity-esque clothes going to go out of style?

5.) When will people figure out that jeans are supposed to fit you, not be sagging off your ass or cut so tight you have to lay down to close them?

Back to Black

2008-09-14T01:34:00.007-05:00

After all that's happened within the past month or so, it's time that I get my health back on track again. My mental and physical health needs to be my focus right now, more than anything. Since this is my last semester of undergrad, I DEFINITELY need to get myself in order and taken care of before grad starts and things get REALLY stressful.

My mom and I had a bit of a difficult/complicated conversation about my health. It was time that we both be realistic about my health and what the possible outcomes for my life may be. She put it quite frankly, "It doesn't make sense for you to work your ass off for that GPA and you might not live long enough to put that doctorate to use!" That really put things in perspective for me, especially since it was coming from my mom and she is the most optimistic woman you could ever hope to meet.

At this point, I need to get my health and attitude back to the way it was a while ago. I was healthy, happy, and had enough confidence for 3 of me. I really miss that about myself and miss being that woman. So I will be working my ass off this semester as usual, but with more of a focus on my health and wellness than I have ever put there before. I finally have the life that I wanted for so long, simply being happy where I am and not looking for more. That other piece will either find me or make itself clearly known.

Starting over has never felt so good...

Statement

2008-09-08T10:27:00.004-05:00

Always feeling as if I'm searching for something
Someone
To fill a space
Vast change cause realization
Internalization

How to fill the void?
I discovered
In me as well

Standing alone
Head held high
Knowing that the things that happen to me do not define who I am

Maintaining my strength
Remembering the women I come from
Remembering who I am

I stand to make the statement
Whole within myself...
Void no longer existing
Standing alone again

Finally Whole.

Sometimes there’s gonna be days like this
Sometimes it’s gonna be rain like this
Sometimes you gonna feel pain like this
Sometimes you gotta work hard for it
--Amerie's Gotta Work

On Losing...

2008-09-06T03:20:00.007-05:00

I went through something that was extremely difficult to deal with and very painful...both emotionally and physically. This event was enough to jar loose my ideas and the way I thought my life was previously. It was also something that most people, myself included cannot go through alone. I am writing this post in both an effort to get my thoughts/emotions together and an attempt to deal with the way everything has happened.

When something of this magnitude occurs, it is difficult to handle on your own. One of the most important things to do is to come to terms with the fact that it may be difficult and painful for the other people involved, but we all deal with our pain separately. With what happened, I don't think I can handle it alone, but thanks to a reality check from someone else's drunk "friend" at 4 this morning; I realized that I have to. No one else experiences the pain from what I just went through like the woman involved does. Regardless of how weak I feel and how hurt I am, I realized that the people I can depend on have already presented themselves and I don't really have to worry about whether their support will waver.

Have you ever experienced something that afterward left you too weak and hurt to cry? I would love nothing more than to finally cry and release my pain and anguish, but I just can't get the tears to come. I want to cry for the loneliness and broken spirit that I feel, but I just can't. You all know I pride myself on being a strong black woman, but this here...I just can't. I feel as if I'm going through this completely alone because it's rare that someone else understands or can relate to something of this magnitude. I just want to step away from the armor and fortress that I've built up and break down for a while, just to get it out and feel the release of emotion.

As hard as this subject is to write about, I can't really put into words what I experienced until later. I promise you all will know as soon as I can properly form it into coherent thought and sentence structure. Some of you who read regularly already know what happened or can figure it out by the clues, others may have no idea. The point is that, something extremely painful occurred and I'm having a truly hard time dealing with it. Regardless of what we think and what we hope, everything we truly experience while becoming adults is experienced on our own. No one can hold or contain your emotions besides yourself. Although I say this, it's very hard not to feel abandoned.

As a woman, I can honestly say nothing is more painful than this.

Playing House?

2008-08-31T21:34:00.003-05:00

I was sitting back and chatting with my girls the other day and as usual, the subject of dating came up. We're all in some sort of relationship(s) with some guy(s) and that's great, but it gives us more stuff to complain about. The biggest problem we were all talking about is that the respective guy was treating it like a jump-off situation when he and my friend had been together for the better part of 2 years. This didn't really make sense to me until I really thought about it. It's the idea of these men not feeling the same way the female in the relationship does.

We sat around and brainstormed for a while until we all came up with the same idea. In each situation, my friend was essentially playing house with the guy. By playing house, I mean: cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids that aren't theirs, etc. To put it simply, these women are essentially playing wife and expecting these men to play husband. Ladies, be honest: WE REALLY NEED TO STOP SETTING OURSELVES UP!

Now, I don't mean stop cooking for your man on special occasions or to stop keeping things together like a grown woman does. I mean, don't do more for him than he's willing to do for you. Relationships are fair trade situations...well...they should be. A woman should always have enough respect for herself to believe and know that she deserves the very best. If the man you're with does not think you deserve the best, you don't need him at all.

As women, we need to stop asking more of these men that don't want the same things we do. It's not hard to figure out whether they are really into us the same way we are into them. It's difficult to find quality men (especially in Michigan), but I think if we wait a bit and figure out exactly what we're looking for, good guys will make themselves known. So, stop trying to play wife if he's not trying to play the husband role and it should make life easier. Most men just aren't ready for that.

Guess Who's Bizzack!

2008-08-31T18:53:00.003-05:00

Hey Folk! Sorry, I've been M.I.A. as of late...SO MUCH has happened in the past few weeks, it's not even funny. So I'll go ahead and list them off and keep it short.

1.) Moved out of the parents' place and into my own- Enjoying having my own space and not having to wear clothes very often.

2.) Started working for Gryphon Place as a Suicide Prevention Specialist/Educator- I LOVE this job!

3.) New people in my life-Only 2, but they are a VERY important 2 people.

4.) New puppy-haven't named her just yet. She's a Jack Russell Terrier and very spoiled.

5.) Only taking 2 classes this semester-Money is short and so is time.

6.) Illness-The past few weeks have been HELL for me. I'm still battling a very bad sinus infection (103.4 fever yesterday!), bronchitis, and an ear infection that caused me to fall out of the shower.

This past month has been such a mix of great, good, and bad that it's crazy. I think this is what makes you really feel like an adult. When everything goes to pot and you have to handle it and take care of business on your own. I think I love this!

Saying Goodbye

2008-07-31T07:34:00.007-05:00

We've all heard that saying: "People are only in your life for a season", but I never took it seriously until now. I realized the other day that there are some people that I've known for years and are excruciatingly close to that need to get the hell out of my life. I'm not necessarily sad about it. These 2 people have been a drain on my life for the past couple of years and I honestly can't take it anymore. Although I once thought these two would always be a part of my life, I just can't do it anymore. All these people have done is cause emotional harm and pain over the recent years, and I'm damned tired of it.

It hurts that I have to do this because these 2 are just about some of my closest friends, but they are causing issues and not allowing me to be who I need to be. I'm too good for that shit. I try to surround myself with people who will be strong and inspire me when I'm feeling weak and will give back as much as they take from me. Just because these people have been a part of my life for so long, I forgot that they don't give a damn thing back. Times have changed and the type of people I need in my life has changed as well. I need to surround myself with those who are as strong, driven, and focused as I am so I can stay that way.

I think we all have at least one person in our lives who serves no beneficial purpose, but we allow them to continue doing that harm because we have grown too attached to them or are potentially in love with them. To be honest, love can go away after a while if you let it. Yes, it hurts, but it's generally for the best. The thing we all need to remember is that NO ONE will love you more than you love yourself. No one can ever really do for you or give you what you need if you don't already possess that quality.

I have a lot of love for them, but I have more love for myself. I will always care for them in some way, but never in the way I did in the past. To be honest, I'm too strong and too smart to allow someone in my life that will detract from me. People can always be replaced. As I've said before, it's time to let people know when they need to kick rocks. Well guys, it's your time.

Introspective

2008-07-19T22:03:00.003-05:00

Today was my favorite cousin's wedding to a wonderful, lovely woman and it gave me time to sit back and think for a while about my future and what I want. For the first time in my life, I'm able to get a handle on what I want. You all don't know how amazing that is to me. I've always had a loose idea of what I want after undergrad, but never very specific. For the first time, I can actually look back on everything that's happened in my life and see exactly how these things have caused me to develop into who I am. All these people that I sat around and spent time with today have all had some impact on me and I'm thankful for that. Even if we get tired of them, always keep family in the forefront of your mind. All of us have at least one family member or friend who is like family that we know we could lean on if all hell broke loose.

As I sat back and watched my parents dance to old school jams, I realized just how rare real love is. They both have had a couple of marriages and learned from past mistakes, all these things led to them finding each other in the end. It's absolutely beautiful. My mother didn't realize until later in life that she needed to plan ahead and know what she wanted before she found it or was ready for it. The one thing my mother always said is that "You will never find a wholeness or quality if you are not a whole, quality woman. Always know what you want in life, it makes things much easier." Her advice, along with my grandmother always saying: "It's much easier to know where you're going when you have a roadmap." have had an effect on me as of late...I finally know what they meant.

You Know I Stan For Her

2008-07-18T10:39:00.005-05:00

Ok guys, you know there are some artists out here that I openly stan for. These are people that have never done a song/video I didn't like and seem to be genuinely nice when approached by fans. I openly stan for Lil Mama. She is adorable and flows better than half these grown arse men out here with record deals. It's rare that young hip hop artists can actually freestyle. My girl has it on lock.

After watching this a few times, I can honestly say I think she was fighting the urge to grab her peen to illustrate how fly she is. Watch her hands... *giggling like a 3rd grader* I'm also enjoying the fact she pushed that annoying-arse host out of the way when he was bouncing around a bit too much.

She's Back, Bitches!!!!

2008-07-16T09:33:00.003-05:00

If you know me at all, you know that Grace Jones is one of my heroes. This woman is absolutely nuts, but she is timeless. If you don't know who I'm talking about, go watch Boomerang and then come back. If you don't have time, just watch the clip below from the movie. I'm telling you...she's nuts.

As I was saying, she has RETURNED! Grace Jones just put out the absolute WEIRDEST friggin' video I have ever seen, but I love it just because she made it. You know I'll be bumping this in the Cougar and flying down South Westnedge. Watch!